When was your last kiss?
I've read somewhere before that a girl judge her r/s by how often they kiss. I guess it's i am this kind of girl. And the last kiss was about 2 to 3 months ago? The fact that i cant even remember the last kiss means something. It means that i haven been kissing him for a long time.
No, i do not want any kisses on the cheek. Kiss me; kiss me real.
Ever felt like everything is on the balance scale, balanced. Yet, there is still unhappiness? Wads the missing ingredient in it? I have nnnooo idea. I'm just generally not happy. Why?!
Maybe I'm just not ready to love. Just caught Valentine's day in theathers today: love is to love every single part of the person, even the worst. Sounds hard to me. Sometimes i wonder is it the lack of experience that makes me what i am today.. Or do i have to learn it the hard way?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, August 10, 2009
When 10 waves come crashing
A girl will always be upset when her boyfriend forgets their anniversary day.
It hurts even more when it falls on a public holiday every year and they've spent that holiday together since they met each other.
Now imagine it coupled with a quarrel with a friend..
090809... imagine a girl walking in a park at 2pm. tears flowing down her cheeks. all she could do was to feel sorry for herself. Holding on to her own words, not wanting to be the weakling, giving in.
yes, i'm a total loser.
Sunday's speaker said- deep down inside, we're all lonely. Well, for me it is. Friends- are they really there? My sis.. my dear sis.. she's long long gone. I've tried so freaking many times to hold her back. It's no use. Nothing can be done with just one party trying so hard to hold on to the other one.. I give up. Wheather or not she's worth it... I'm tired.
Sometimes i wonder.. if something happened, wld anyone know? Would the mighty 3 know? Nothing runs deep, it's all superficial.
While working, i have this colleague that talks on the phone with her best friends rather often. I hear her talk, it's so different from how we work. why? They have genuine concern for each other. No one ever showed me that. I often feel that whatever problems just becomes gossip topics.
Moving on.. that guy. Am i losing him? or is he losing me? Can i accept that this is him? His life? It defies the whole reason why i fell in love in the first place. Sometimes i wonder wld another guy come sweep me off? wld i remain here? Is there a better one out there for me? that's being selfish eh? Or maybe i shld say, is there someone better out there for both of us?
I have so much fear.. Fear of losing. Fear of unfarmiliarity. Fear of loneliness. Fear of sadness. But does that equate to love?
Somehow this love has alrdy set his throne in my heart. I've put in so much that i cant back out. Or rather, too afraid to back out..
Am i looking for these little things he can give me? or do i want those that he cant?
It hurts even more when it falls on a public holiday every year and they've spent that holiday together since they met each other.
Now imagine it coupled with a quarrel with a friend..
090809... imagine a girl walking in a park at 2pm. tears flowing down her cheeks. all she could do was to feel sorry for herself. Holding on to her own words, not wanting to be the weakling, giving in.
yes, i'm a total loser.
Sunday's speaker said- deep down inside, we're all lonely. Well, for me it is. Friends- are they really there? My sis.. my dear sis.. she's long long gone. I've tried so freaking many times to hold her back. It's no use. Nothing can be done with just one party trying so hard to hold on to the other one.. I give up. Wheather or not she's worth it... I'm tired.
Sometimes i wonder.. if something happened, wld anyone know? Would the mighty 3 know? Nothing runs deep, it's all superficial.
While working, i have this colleague that talks on the phone with her best friends rather often. I hear her talk, it's so different from how we work. why? They have genuine concern for each other. No one ever showed me that. I often feel that whatever problems just becomes gossip topics.
Moving on.. that guy. Am i losing him? or is he losing me? Can i accept that this is him? His life? It defies the whole reason why i fell in love in the first place. Sometimes i wonder wld another guy come sweep me off? wld i remain here? Is there a better one out there for me? that's being selfish eh? Or maybe i shld say, is there someone better out there for both of us?
I have so much fear.. Fear of losing. Fear of unfarmiliarity. Fear of loneliness. Fear of sadness. But does that equate to love?
Somehow this love has alrdy set his throne in my heart. I've put in so much that i cant back out. Or rather, too afraid to back out..
Am i looking for these little things he can give me? or do i want those that he cant?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Am all sad.
A reply that hurts.
I should focus on some other things. I so so so feel like picking up this failed friendship so as to counter to him befriending my best girlfriend. A bond that i can never break.
I had many bad experiences with friendships in the past. Learning experiences.. These helped me meet my true friends today. Yet, i never expect these experiences can actually be used to help describe this relationship.
U expect me to stop questioning? Then what are YOU doing about it?! U felt like you did your best in assuring and maintaing your anger. Yah! that's bcos u're not outside the situation, looking at it at a broader view.. YOU are the one angry, how can then.. YOU feel like you've given in?
How about ME taking in all your anger? taking in all your hurtful words, taking in all your shouts. have u thought about that?!
and me blogging in our blog, just look at how many entries are yours and how many mine.
I should focus on some other things. I so so so feel like picking up this failed friendship so as to counter to him befriending my best girlfriend. A bond that i can never break.
I had many bad experiences with friendships in the past. Learning experiences.. These helped me meet my true friends today. Yet, i never expect these experiences can actually be used to help describe this relationship.
U expect me to stop questioning? Then what are YOU doing about it?! U felt like you did your best in assuring and maintaing your anger. Yah! that's bcos u're not outside the situation, looking at it at a broader view.. YOU are the one angry, how can then.. YOU feel like you've given in?
How about ME taking in all your anger? taking in all your hurtful words, taking in all your shouts. have u thought about that?!
and me blogging in our blog, just look at how many entries are yours and how many mine.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Rant 21
he said it again. for the hundredth time. WHAT THE HELL. asshole. he's such a jerk. I totally feel like going ahead with it. but it hurts. damn bad. FREAKING JERK. i hate him for hurting me so much. STUPID me. i hate this!!
hais, why do i put so much into this. i cant seem to back out.
hais, why do i put so much into this. i cant seem to back out.
Monday, July 6, 2009
nasty person, nasty me
This is my only avenue of trying to write something that i truly feel.
Today, a friend turned nasty. To the outside world, he's a nice friend. But when one day he decided to pick on you, that's it. I'd witness it, and now it's my turn- next on the list.
How can a guy be so short tempered. He's acting like a girl! Calling names? This gotta stop.
There's no one to tell but only the victims. Cos, no one would actually believe these were true.
During the good old days, he once told me that he was having a cold war with his friend, a girl. I was totally shocked. HOW can an adult act like that to a girl! I told him to just give in.
Twice, i saw him turn his back on 2 friends, both i knew. I had never thought much of the incident. Today, i had a clear picture. I'm guilty of believing him (on the story of aa) once. Cos i thought that the other party was kinda strong headed. I'm afraid i might be wrong.
Nastynasty things he did. I have never seen a sane man behaving like this to a female! Moreover a friend. I tried many times to see past these childish behaviours. But he cant. Maybe it's really time to let go of this friendememy. I pity he's girlfriend. That is, if he's ever going to get one.
So much of a nasty person. Now, nasty me.
I'd become obsessive. I never once dreamt that i'm this kind of a person. During singlehood, I saw myself to be a outgoing, attention grabbing, loud person with activites filled to the brim. My life now is now filled with silence. No one but me in this silence. I wonder if the so called sisters are really there. Everything seems bleek. I'm becoming less confident of myself, less outspoken, more reserved, less optimistic. I need to break away from him. Or rather, be the player, not the played. My feelings are sososo strong that i'd suffocate when i dun get enough of him. Yes, i'm overly obsessive. I blame it on my lack of confidence. The lack of activites. Lack of friends. But deep down, i know i've change.
I shall change, with the help of god. I really want to. I shall make a list:
- Keep comments about ppl around him to myself
- Let him do what he wants
- His happiness should be my pirority
- Stop being paranoid
- Stop thinking of the worst
- Breathe
- Be nice
Because of lord, i will.
Today, a friend turned nasty. To the outside world, he's a nice friend. But when one day he decided to pick on you, that's it. I'd witness it, and now it's my turn- next on the list.
How can a guy be so short tempered. He's acting like a girl! Calling names? This gotta stop.
There's no one to tell but only the victims. Cos, no one would actually believe these were true.
During the good old days, he once told me that he was having a cold war with his friend, a girl. I was totally shocked. HOW can an adult act like that to a girl! I told him to just give in.
Twice, i saw him turn his back on 2 friends, both i knew. I had never thought much of the incident. Today, i had a clear picture. I'm guilty of believing him (on the story of aa) once. Cos i thought that the other party was kinda strong headed. I'm afraid i might be wrong.
Nastynasty things he did. I have never seen a sane man behaving like this to a female! Moreover a friend. I tried many times to see past these childish behaviours. But he cant. Maybe it's really time to let go of this friendememy. I pity he's girlfriend. That is, if he's ever going to get one.
So much of a nasty person. Now, nasty me.
I'd become obsessive. I never once dreamt that i'm this kind of a person. During singlehood, I saw myself to be a outgoing, attention grabbing, loud person with activites filled to the brim. My life now is now filled with silence. No one but me in this silence. I wonder if the so called sisters are really there. Everything seems bleek. I'm becoming less confident of myself, less outspoken, more reserved, less optimistic. I need to break away from him. Or rather, be the player, not the played. My feelings are sososo strong that i'd suffocate when i dun get enough of him. Yes, i'm overly obsessive. I blame it on my lack of confidence. The lack of activites. Lack of friends. But deep down, i know i've change.
I shall change, with the help of god. I really want to. I shall make a list:
- Keep comments about ppl around him to myself
- Let him do what he wants
- His happiness should be my pirority
- Stop being paranoid
- Stop thinking of the worst
- Breathe
- Be nice
Because of lord, i will.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Rant 20
I've learnt that some things are really meant to be kept inside me... A friend once told me, certain things are meant for friends to hear, and not bf... i did not believe her, i felt that my guy was one that i can fully express my thoughts to.. Apparently not. I think i just added another stab into our relationship... Can this ever get any worse... i dread to think of our split. I have thoughts that he'd be so upset with me that his patience with me will be all lost.. I think it's i've pushed him too far.
Why arent there guys that have the charateristic from the dramas??? why cant they react in th way that'll make us happy. I can dream and it'll never some true.
I really should think before i speak, blog it down first..
Why arent there guys that have the charateristic from the dramas??? why cant they react in th way that'll make us happy. I can dream and it'll never some true.
I really should think before i speak, blog it down first..
Rant 19- Guys will always be guys
i guess i cant blame anyone here. They take yes and no literally without inferring to hints made before and after. how disappointing. why cant god make guys like girls and girls like guys.. then there'll be peace.
I really DONT want to see. lets NOT go watch a show. u DONT have to come over. THANKS.
I really DONT want to see. lets NOT go watch a show. u DONT have to come over. THANKS.
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